Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Randomize
