I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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