There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Randomize
