chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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