i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
