I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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