I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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