In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
