You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I wish you could order shots online.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
