If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
