I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
