rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
