just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
a search helicopter?!
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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