Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Randomize
