i just snorted my name. best moment ever
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
