Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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