Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
