Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Randomize
