1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
