bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
