Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
