we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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