i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize
