My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
