Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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