Soap is not a condiment
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
