I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
