How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
