Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
