if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
