You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Randomize
