well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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