nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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