Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
