im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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