i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
