i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
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