The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I wish there were birth control emojis
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
