i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
