I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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