Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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