my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
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