a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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