I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
