The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
