what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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