Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I licked your asshole in confidence.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
