Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
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