hotel room ftw
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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