what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
