if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
