I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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