I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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