i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
