He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
